Seeking Love: Do You Lose Yourself in The Need To Find Love?
This is an adaptation from an episode of The WISDOM podcast
Listen to the full episode here:
In this real life client story I highlight my client’s journey into self-approval and self-love…
Her father’s absence in her life and the real experience of abandonment by him was a burden that Samantha* continued to carry — even though rationally she knew that her father left her mother — and not her.
Together these became the reasons for why Samantha felt the need to continually prove herself; to seek approval for her appearance and for all that she did to prove herself in her love relationships because — in the largely unspoken and unconscious thoughts in her mind, this client believed that if she was good enough (in the various ways in which she learned was importance); then she would have the love of her partner.
This story may resonate with you because it illuminates an important theme in all of our lives and perhaps most important for all women who have at one time or another looked to their father (or any male role model) for reassurance, approval, acceptance and love.
When I am working with parents, I make a point whenever possible to point out the incredible and powerful influence of a father’s unconditional love, especially for a daughter.
As a young girl, a daughter looks to a father for how she is valued and received by members of the opposite gender — not in a sexual way, but rather to feel pretty and beautiful and to be commended for one’s intelligence, confidence, grace, strength, perseverance, and any other of the positive qualities that empower a woman.
A young girl’s confidence is built upon the encouraging and proud words of both parents. Yet a father is the first experience a young girl will have with how she is valued among the male gender and this becomes important, for it is how a girl initially learns to embody her worth (and her beauty), long before she actually likes boys or wants to date.
If a girl’s confidence is encouraged, if she is supported to use her voice, to stand by her morals, to not settle or acquiesce to other’s ideals, then a father (and a mother) have done well to raise an independent and self-assured female who is confident in her pursuit in life.
Let me speak next about unconditional love that a father holds for a daughter as what helps her to feel invincible as she is. She can be encouraged to improve, to develop her talents and abilities, to learn new skills, to excel in school, to be competitive in sport, to never give up; still she must also and simultaneously be loved unconditionally as she is — without her ever needing to be taller, to have better skin, or look a certain way, or to be anything except what she already is.
It’s the perfect balance between fostering growth and development and the reassurance and approval that one is already good enough, lovable, and deserving of love.
For my client Samantha it was about proving herself worthy of love and going above and beyond in each of her love relationships, often to the extent of forfeiting her personal needs in order to find and feel love — love that was always going to be external to her, and love that was often conditional because Samantha was choosing men that unknowingly to her, were much like her father — emotionally unavailable and not skilled in being able to express and connect using their communication of feelings.
Have you done this before? Have you relied on someone to love you even if you knew they weren’t the best suited or right partner for you — just so that you could feel appreciated, and receive attention and love?
And it’s certainly not just women who seek love. My client Adam only recently untangled his deeply intense feelings from a girl that he was talking with who lived in a city several hours away.
Adam was prepared to give up his goal of taking a new position as a manager at a store in an affluent area near his hometown, to take a job at a different store to move close to this girl who he wasn’t even in relationship with, all because he was feeling lonely and bored and in the middle of lockdowns and winter.
Adam found himself distracted by someone showing him interest and attention even though this girl was still getting over her ex-boyfriend and emotionally unavailable. She was enjoying the attention she received from Adam and played on this, even though she really didn’t even know him.
Do you do this to yourself?
Are you so easily distracted with the attention you receive from someone and why does it have so much power over you?
There is one answer. You need to be your own best friend and to develop and appreciate a relationship with yourself — first. Ideally you begin this early in your life, and you continue to reap the rewards of the confidence that grows over the course of your life.
Otherwise you will continue to do what Samantha, Adam and many others have done; look to someone to feel desirable and to prove that you are worthy and lovable rather than know this for yourself because of your positive sense of self which then naturally grows self-confidence and self-love.
Let me take Samantha’s story a little further because I want to identify how you can become lost in the need to find love rather than seek appreciation and love from within; in who you are and in the person that you still seek to become.
Samantha’s existing sense of self was entangled in the false ideal of beauty learned by the replete messages of our socialization; and that you need to be validated by others in order to be beautiful, rather than knowing your beauty.
Knowing your beauty is the culmination of many qualitative traits: grace, kindness, generosity, goodness, and loving actions. It is so much more than the beauty we witness in aspects of our physical self.
To know your beauty is to feel it as it originates from within you — and then as you live authentic to who you are. This beauty is seen and felt by you and all of the world as you build a strong sense of self, in knowing yourself well; of liking and loving yourself as you are and as you pursue more.
Because knowing your beauty is far more valuable than being told of it.
Let me return to the premise that there is a part of each one of us — regardless of gender — that appreciates and looks to our father for approval and love — — even as we are an adult. (I want to also note that the approval we seek and appreciate is far more important and impactful when you feel a genuine respect and admiration for a father and believe in his words as honest and genuine).
Psychologically for women — approval, acceptance and love of our father helps us to feel confident as women in the male relationships we hold in our life and in our interactions with the male gender in general.
Our mother has a powerful influence as a role model for how we are to be as women; whether in modeling ourselves after her (consciously and unconsciously) or different from her because of what we decide we do not want to be.
Either way, women look to their mother for equally important and distinct reasons. If you hold your mother in high regard for example, because of her impeccable morals and values, then not only do you aim to live the same, but you are inspired by many attributes of her character that instill for you, how strong and powerful she is by her decision to live honorably.
And for a lesbian woman, you hold value for your father’s love and approval in your ability to feel confident and attractive to the gender that you are attracted to for the same reasons; a father’s love and approval reaffirms your growing confidence in yourself and in the world as you are.
For my client Samantha, having breast augmentation surgery at 23 was one way that she felt more attractive. Her confidence was dependent upon receiving attention from men because of her physical attributes.
To be desirable Samantha learned, was to be sought out for one’s physical beauty in much the same way as what her father vocalized in the conversations that she overheard as a child, and the way in which he viewed and objectified women.
Little girls and also young adult women are very perceptive to what they learn is valued by a male role model — typically their father.
Some of Samantha’s beliefs were also learned from her mother; namely that one’s value as a woman was in part dependent upon being sexually desirable and in being ‘in a relationship’ rather than single.
When I spoke with Samantha in a recent session, it had been two months earlier and after two decades, that she made the decision to have her implants removed. Now the struggle was to become comfortable with her body image and without a physical attribute that she relied on for positive attention.
The concept of self-love for Samantha was always elusive.
She knew how to give love unconditionally to her daughter, but her love relationships had been built upon a desire to have someone love her in return.
Samantha’s need to constantly give love in the form of doing for others had been secretly and often subconsciously based on her fear of being abandoned.
In those moments, love through acts of service would never really be without conditions because at its foundation, there was always the secret worry that Samantha would no longer be lovable to someone and that they would leave; much like what happened with her father.
Samantha didn’t really consider that she had been choosing partners that were emotionally unavailable to her — and men that held a similar value — of seeing beauty as defined by one’s outer physical attributes and appearance.
This isn’t a point of blame of Samantha’s parents, rather a reminder of how you will choose based on what is familiar unless you recognize the pattern that you are basing your decisions upon, and make the adjustments so that you are no longer repeating the cycle.
Samantha had always chosen a partner based on the premise that finding someone to love her was how she would feel loved and approved of.
As much as therapy had addressed Samantha’s need to practice focusing love onto herself, the concept never stuck for long.
Samantha’s core belief that she was desirable and lovable if someone loved her, was systemically intertwined in her sense of self.
I can show you how to change the beliefs you hold that were never true and that never served you, but you must want this.
Samantha was still fighting with herself to refrain from seeking approval and love from the outside; and still hanging on to her current relationship even though she was unhappy with her partner and exhausted from the work of constantly doing to feel appreciated, connected, and loved.
Part of the journey for Samantha, for you, for anyone that is mired in their old beliefs, is what is called readiness.
You have to be both ready to examine the obstacles — that is the problematic beliefs that keep you in the same patterns of being, and as well you have to begin building the efficacy that you are enough; that you are more than enough through the energy and effort you give yourself to see your value and worth as you are — for who you are — and in the present moment.
In having to re-familiarize herself with her body and to embrace its beauty as it is today and ongoing, Samantha will need to become better at loving herself from within, and for the person that she is on the inside. It’s something that I’m also currently working on with Adam.
Self-love is not out of reach for any of us. In fact, we practice self-love instinctively whenever we give attention to our needs and as we hold kind thoughts and the actions that support us.
I’m going to also leave a link here for a recent Wisdom Podcast episode on the topic of self-love and how it is something that is present and possible simply by holding your heart open — to feel the love that you exist as — and to feel love as something you can give and be for yourself, just the same as how you share your love with others.
Samantha had a long history of quick fixes to fill a need for approval and acceptance; texting old boyfriends, reconnecting online and flirting with the men that she had causal encounters with; much like an addict looking for their next high — because love and all of its power — is addictive.
You can chase the feeling of being in love, or you can open yourself up to the infinite love that you hold — that is always flowing through you.
You can hold love for yourself as appreciation, acceptance, and approval — and by doing this, you invite love in — much like you open a window to allow in the air — and the world beyond.
Love is fluid. Its effects — real and instantaneous.
Self-love was always overshadowed by the quick fix of what Samantha would default to — that is, seeking love through the attention of others and finding someone to give her love — all in the name of feeling loved.
One of the most important gifts a parent could ever give is the ability to teach their child self-love.
If you are fortunate enough to have felt many moments of unconditional love from your caregivers, it’s akin to being supported and held in the highest regard; of feeling unstoppable and invincible, not because you can do no wrong — rather because even in making mistakes, you know that you will always be loved. This feeling supports your journey in life.
As you take responsibility for feeling worthy and loved you will hold yourself in higher regard, with self-respect and appreciation for who you are — even as you (and each one of us) are all a work in progress.
Each one of us progresses out of a strong desire to feel positive and worthy of our own accord. When you can rely on yourself for your feelings of happiness, encouragement, and positivism, it is a sign that you have taken responsibility for how you think and feel about yourself.
You can enjoy knowing that the love of others is another support in your life.
The goal is to value and appreciate others’ love of you, and to also know how to feel love from within for all that you are.
What are some of the beliefs around love that you learned early?
How have these beliefs affected the choices you’ve made in seeking your relationships?
Have you learned how to have a love relationship with yourself that continues to be ever-present?
If you want to nurture and grow self-love, begin with one thing that you appreciate about yourself.
You can begin a gratitude list of one or several things that you are grateful for and appreciate about yourself. Gratitude is a direct path to feeling happiness.
As a daily practice and a habit, as you lean into gratitude and appreciation you grow your confidence, your worth, and yes, it will open you to the positive feelings you can hold of yourself — and because of your acknowledgement of what makes you special and important. This is how you build self-love.
We all thrive in love. What’s most important is to direct love unto yourself and to do this often. You have a lot to give. Give yourself the kindness in words and actions that are going to be felt as approval, acceptance, and love.
And please remember I’m here to help. You can ask me a question here or enlist my help and we’ll work on confidence and love together. You just need to learn how to do this once and you will know it for the rest of your life.
Sending you great love 💜
Namaste,
*The names of my clients (and some details of their story) are changed to protect their identity and privacy.
Self-love is not out of reach for any of us:
Check out The Ultimate Self-Love Toolkit: for an expertly curated entourage of heart-healing, life affirming best practices to fuel your journey to ultimate self-love. Featuring sacred strategies and simple, science-based wisdom to provision you for complete self-love success.
